Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Chemical wingman
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
i baked you a cake
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
He’s dead
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”