Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
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If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂