What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*