Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.