LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
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I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.