Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
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94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it