when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
podcasts
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂