I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
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Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Oh thanks BBC.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what