I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12