The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker