My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00