idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now