SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?