One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
X-tra spooky blend
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I know
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
a fate I wish upon no one
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.