Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Me when my alarm goes off
no
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend