EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
watergate? u mean a dam??
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat