If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume