the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
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Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.