I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
saving face 👀
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I put the p in pants.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.