It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Dead sexy!!
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.