How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
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Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Finally a use for spoilers…
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?