Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.