I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.