If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
This is my emotional support knife.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks