Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
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i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
IT’S-A ME,
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.