Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
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If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
This makes total sense…
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child