Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is