RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
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temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie