When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Found my door mat
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two