Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
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Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.