CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
You Might Also Like
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
And then there were 4
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
incredible
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad