I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
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BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Pikachu found the lost joint
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.