people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
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(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs