Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.