Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.