My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.