Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
The USS B port
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?