“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
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If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
you will never know the true number of layers
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.