If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sign of the day..
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby