“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
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Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls