Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
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OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Broom by every window for quick escape.