Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
You Might Also Like
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?