Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
(Electricians.)
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Awwwww shit.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?