The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)