I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one