Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
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my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*