[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?