I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
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If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM