#math
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.