Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
gm
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
just got my engagement photos
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I’m about to risk it all